Tuesday, March 04, 2008 ;
1:53 AM
I'm very affected by something. It's making my fingers go numb, my breath short, my stomach twist and squeeze and I seem to be rooted to the seat that I am on right now. I'm confused and angry at myself, but at the same time, suddenly enlightened by the event that had just occurred. It's a really Nirvana-kinda-feeling moment that I am in right now, and I am suddenly detached from my workspace.
I do not know why I should be asking myself questions, feeling insecure or scared, even, but the more I think of it, the more my body reacts physically. (see above description).
Yes, you may say that it's normal. Everyone feels this way before a big commitment. You should not be over-analysing things.
I can't help it. No matter how hard I am, or immune to the divorce, I have learnt to tread carefully, up to a point where every crack on the ice drowns me in paranoia.
Where 'normal' people are busying their thoughts with whatcolourstochoose/whatoutfittomatch/whatribbonstouse/etc, I'm replaying several possible scenarios that could happen on the day of my wedding. Several things could happen.
1) My dad will come alone, with my uncles, aunts, grandparents and oversee this joyous occasion. (this is obviously the best scenario)
2) My dad will come with his wife, along with uncles, aunts, grandparents and oversee this joyous event, along with my mother quietly seething with rage. (which obviously makes me sad)
3) My dad will do number (2) but my mother is openly seething with rage. (which is borderline embarrasing)
4) My dad will do number (2) and my mother number (3), plus the added drama of chasing my dad's wife with a broom. (which is highly dramatic and quite possible).
5) My dad will not be there. (which is the worst - and I'll be empty inside)
So, back to the event that has just happened that made my fingers go numb, my breath short, my stomach twist and squeeze and I seem to be rooted to the seat that I am on right now, all these have resulted in my insane state of mind right now.
I need to vent. How do I do that?
P.s: I don't want to feel empty.
P.S.s: To prevent myself from sounding over-melodramatic or come across as a-person-who-worries-about-nothing, I assure you that I am trying my very best to be very practical, logical, reasonable and factual about the whole thing. PRoblem = finding a solution. No emotions attached. No melodrama. No tears.
Maybe that is why I'm feeling like my fingers are numb, my breath short, my stomach twisted and squeezed and I seem to be rooted to the seat that I am on right now.
I wish I could cry it out.
play it softly, so gently♥
