Saturday, December 15, 2007 ;
2:07 AM
I've been frustrated a lot lately. It's the hols so naturally, we'd wanna just hang out and relax with friends over cups of teh tarik and hot, spicy nasi goreng kampung for supper.
But I've been frustrated by my mum who can't let go of certain things. Can't let go of the fact that I'm an adult (although, some of my peeps still can't figure out how I'm an adult, but that's another thing altogether...heh). Can't let go of the fact that I have a whole other set of relatives and family over the paternal side and I need to stay involved in their lives once in a while (perhaps more than the once-a-year sacred holiday where, even then, I spend like a max of 4 hours with them, before my siblings and I speed off home feeling guilty because we left her behind for most part of raya). Can't let go of the fact that I can't possibly avoid every single contact with 'her' when I meet up with my dad and his family. Can't appreciate the fact that I don't do crap outside, all I do is jamming, movies, hang out at my peep's house, etc. Can't appreciate the fact that I do tell her that I'll be home late and when I say I'm home early, I'm home early.
Sometimes a look, a grunt or a 'tsk' is all it takes to ruin my whole day and shatter each hope of connecting with her into a thousand pieces, and I end up abandoning THAT idea for most part of the month. Little bits of frustration when seeped slowly into my life would eventually snowball into an outburst.
Which was what happened last night. I do not, for the most part, regret what I said to her. All I said was that if she continued to 'hound' and 'stalk' me till i'm home (and grill me even further when i'm ALREADY home), she'd lose me. She'd lose my respect and she'd lose every chance of a fulfilling mother-daughter relationship.
I'm sure her worries for her children are boundless and infinite, but its a personal struggle within her, between bouts of being a practical, rational and understanding mother and an emotional, insecure wreck, that she has not yet overcome over these years. And I've learnt to accept her for who she is, but like I said, I'm frustrated as hell.
For the most part, I blame my dad. When mothers lose it (when their children start visiting the angsty phase in their lives), that's what the fathers are there for, to say, '
alah, biar la, kejap lagi diorang balik', and take them out for dinner to placate the overwhelming sense of paranoia.
I guess, not having that, it's not all jolly on this end of the receiving line.
So yeah, I'm frustrated.
play it softly, so gently♥
